Getting divorced – what you need to know before you start

For most people, the decision to end a marriage is one of the toughest decisions they will ever make. The first steps of the journey are often the hardest and it can be a painful and unsettling process. Even if a couple has been separated for some time, setting the official wheels in motion can be upsetting. Here we explain what you should know at the beginning of your divorce journey, along with strategies to help you plan a suitable way forward and signposts to useful professional support.

The need for certainty and direction

If you’re feeling daunted about divorce, you’re not alone. After all, it’s a major life event and most people are beginners. Whether you initiated the break-up or not, you are likely to experience a range of emotions, from sadness and fear to confusion or perhaps relief.

You’re likely now in unknown territory and it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by worries about an uncertain future. All sorts of questions may arise, such as:

● Where will I live?

● How will we tell the children?

● How do we share our assets?

● How do we divide up all this ‘stuff’?

Whatever your questions are, working out the right answers will inevitably take time.

Uncertainty is widely reported to be a major cause of stress during divorce. Imagine going on a journey to a strange, new place without a map or satnav to guide you. You would understandably feel anxious about where you’re heading and the unknown twists and turns that could await. Try to remember that these feelings are only temporary. The divorce process, this journey, is the first stage to a positive future and your new life ahead.

Managing uncertainty

It’s helpful to view your divorce as this journey, with clear stages and a final destination. Before you set off, take some time to identify and understand each stage of the divorce process. By breaking things down into manageable steps, it will feel far less overwhelming.

Then, by focusing on each one step at a time, you’ll be empowered to make decisions without feeling rushed or pressured. This will help you deal with any unexpected challenges or setbacks with calm composure.

Many people, both men and women, who have gone through divorce – even when it was not originally their idea or their ‘choice’ – look back on it as a liberating experience.

You may not know just yet what life will look like after divorce but, by focusing on one stage at a time, you’ll feel in control of the journey. As you move along the route, trust that your questions will be answered. As you pass the different way markers, you’ll see progress and this will make the journey more comfortable.

Who can apply for a divorce?

In England & Wales, you’re eligible for divorce if:

• you have been married for over a year

• your marriage is legally recognised

• your marriage has permanently broken down

Since April 2022, when many of the laws surrounding divorce underwent significant change, you can apply for divorce either as a sole applicant, or with your spouse as joint applicants. (NB: If you were married abroad and are unsure of your eligibility, consult a family law solicitor for advice.) The divorce process now allows a ‘no blame divorce' – also called a ‘no fault divorce’ – which means you don’t have to give a reason for the breakdown of your marriage.

How much will it cost me to get divorced?

The initial court fee in England and Wales for filing for divorce is £593, at time of writing (April 2024). However, other fees will be incurred if you and your spouse can’t agree on financial or child arrangements, plus additional costs for court order applications if you cannot reach an agreement.

The overall cost of your divorce will depend on what sort of professional support you choose. For example, you may need to consult a family lawyer or decide to use a mediator. It is also not uncommon these days to engage the services of a divorce coach.

What are the stages of divorce?

The divorce process in England and Wales has five stages:

• Initial application

• Acknowledgement

• Mandatory 20-week ‘cooling-off period’

• Conditional Order

• Final Order

A Conditional Order is a document that confirms the court does not see any reason why you cannot get divorced. The divorce is only complete when the Final Order is granted.

Note: The Conditional Order replaces the former ‘Decree Nisi’ and the Final Order replaces the former ‘Decree Absolute’, although these will still be used if the divorce application began before the laws changed in April 2022.

How long does it take to get divorced?

It takes a minimum of six months to get divorced in England & Wales. According to government statistics, in the first quarter of 2023, the average time for completing a divorce was 15 months.

Why do some divorces take longer than others?

Whilst all divorces follow the five-stage process, the financial, property or family issues faced by each couple can be very different. These matters have to be resolved satisfactorily for both parties. The time it takes to untangle arrangements and reach agreement can vary enormously. Your divorce timescale is dependent upon how easily you can come to an agreement with your spouse about everything that needs to be ‘split’. Thankfully, a whole range of support is available to help you resolve issues, as and when they arise.

Legal Support – Family Law

Starting your divorce journey by having a consultation with a Family Law solicitor will give you a foundation that is based on expert guidance. Crucially this will ensure that your first steps are correct. The solicitor will consider your personal circumstances alongside any legal complexities that might affect you and map out the most appropriate route for you.

By seeking specialist advice early, you’re also less likely to make mistakes further down the road. While you may not need a solicitor for the whole of your journey, by engaging with one from the outset, you’ll have much-needed assurance at the right time.

Wherever financial matters are involved, a family law solicitor will also ensure that the arrangements are fair and likely to be acceptable to the courts. This can also help you find swifter resolutions and prevent unnecessary delays. A lawyer will also advise on and negotiate on your behalf about complex issues pertaining to children or property if needed.

Mediation

Mediation is a confidential process that you and your spouse can engage in to settle disagreements over financial, property or family arrangements. Participation is voluntary, but mediation can be a helpful tool to resolve differences and move forward. In fact, the law says that you should consider mediation first, before you take a case to court.

For couples where the split is fairly amicable, mediation can be an excellent choice – you and your spouse will make the decisions rather than a judge. There is a helpful leaflet about Mediation on the gov.uk website. Take a look at our Family Mediation page to find out more about our services, including Virtual Mediation via video-conferencing.

In cases involving domestic violence or abuse, mediation will generally not be appropriate and legal assistance is advisable, alongside specialist support from relevant organisations.

Divorce coaching

A divorce coach can assist with emotional support and decision-making during a divorce. As knowledgeable professionals, they understand the process and will work hand-in-hand with you and your solicitor to help you feel more confident throughout the process. At KJS we work closely with a fantastic Divorce Coach, Lauren, so we can point you in her direction if you feel this would benefit you. Read about what Lauren does here.

Counselling and divorce support groups

The support of a qualified counsellor can help you cope with the emotional pressures of divorce at any stage of the journey so you can talk through your worries or concerns. This can help you process your thoughts as you make important decisions. Local divorce support groups can also be a useful source of emotional peer support.

If you have children and feel daunted about the idea of becoming a single parent, the national charity Gingerbread offers support and advice – they have a helpline as well as lots of useful information on their website.

Friends and family

The support of good friends and close family can be a source of great comfort during your divorce. They can provide emotional and practical help at every stage of the journey and onwards into your future. People who have been through a relationship break-up themselves will understand some of what you’re going through. Just remember, every divorce is different. Sometimes well-meaning advice may be unhelpful or inappropriate for your particular situation. Advice found on the web or through online chat groups may also be misleading and could be outdated and inaccurate.

The last couple of years have seen considerable changes to the divorce process. To avoid making mistakes and creating unnecessary worry, always refer to trusted, professional advice.

If you’re contemplating divorce proceedings or are beginning your own journey towards divorce, now is a good time to prepare and consult a family law solicitor. At K J Smith Solicitors we are specialists in family law. As well as legal expertise, we offer compassionate understanding when you need it the most.

Contact us to arrange a FREE 45 minute consultation. We want you to take your first steps with clarity and confidence. And, if you need us along the way, we’ll be there to guide you and walk the walk with you.