I feel like I have been bereaved, not divorced. How will I ever get over this?

The end of a marriage or a long-term relationship can often feel like a bereavement.

The sense of loss can be profound, leaving you grappling with emotions you may not have expected to feel - even if you were the one to initiate the separation.

People often assume that once the process is over, they’ll feel deep relief and be ready to move on. But many find themselves experiencing feelings of sadness, loneliness, or even regret. These emotions can be difficult to process, particularly if others seemingly expect you to "be okay" once all the formalities are over.

In this article, we explore why divorce often feels like a bereavement. While it’s natural to experience these emotions, things do get better. We provide practical steps to help you move forward with confidence.

Why does divorce feel like bereavement?

After the end of a significant relationship, it’s common for people to say, "Why do I feel like I’m grieving? Nobody has died." But research has shown that divorce and bereavement share many of the same emotional responses.

Separation isn’t just about signing papers or moving out of the family home, it represents the loss of a number of things:

• Companionship – even in difficult relationships, there is familiarity in having someone who’s always there
• Future plans and dreams – the life you imagined together is no longer going to happen
• Routine and identity – traditions, roles and social circles that you shared previously can change dramatically
• Security and stability – emotional and financial uncertainty can add to feelings of grief

In 1967, two American psychologists studying stress developed a scale to measure life's psychological strain. They detailed 43 different life events and gave each event its own points weighting. The scale was then used to measure an individual’s personal stress rating.

Today, the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, also known as the Social Readjustment Stress Scale, is used worldwide.

The death of a spouse ranks as the most stressful life event (100 points), with divorce coming in second (73 points). This in itself highlights just how significant the emotional impact of divorce can be.

Grief at the end of a relationship is sometimes called “disenfranchised grief”, meaning it is a loss that isn’t always openly acknowledged or supported by friends and family in the way a death would be.

This can make it harder for people to deal with their emotions, as they may feel as though they shouldn’t be grieving at all.

The stages of grief when a relationship ends

Just like with a bereavement, you can experience different emotions as you process the end of your relationship.

While grief doesn’t always follow a straight path, many people find they go through the following stages:

1. Shock and denial – Even if you saw it coming, the end of your relationship can be difficult to accept.
2. Anger – You may feel resentful towards your ex-partner or angry about the situation you find yourself in now.
3. Second-guessing – You may wonder if you could have done things differently or attempted to reconcile with your partner.
4. Depression and sadness – A deep sense of loss can set in, making daily life difficult to manage.
5. Acceptance – Over time, you begin to adjust to your new reality and find ways to move forward.

When grief is delayed or unexpected

Many people are so focused on the practicalities of working through their separation, sorting finances, child arrangements and potentially moving house, that they don’t fully process their emotions until later.

It’s often only once the Final Order of divorce arrives and the dust begins to settle that the unexpected weight of grief can hit. This could be especially true if you’ve been feeling distracted by it all, perhaps adjusting to life as a single parent, managing your work, or simply trying to “stay strong” throughout the process.

It’s also important to note that even if you were the one to initiate your separation, you can still feel that sense of loss. Ending a relationship, even for the right reasons, still means letting go of something that meant a lot to you.

How your approach to separation affects your emotions

The way you navigate the end of your relationship can shape how you feel in the months and years that follow.

Couples who approach divorce in a conciliatory way, such as through mediation or collaborative divorce, often find that mutual respect remains intact. Sometimes, with this type of approach, new common ground can be found – and used – as the basis for a different type of platonic relationship.

For example: co-parents using mediation can focus on communication and shared goals for their children, which helps to transform their feelings of loss into a sense of partnership.

With the help of mediation, some ex-partners even develop a different kind of friendship, built on civility and common interests. Whilst it is often easier said than done, couples who are able to let go of their bitterness and resentment tend to say that healing comes more naturally.

On the other hand, prolonged conflict, legal battles, or rehashing past grievances will make it harder for you to move on emotionally.

Choosing a path, where possible, that prioritises closure and mutual understanding can help you both replace loss with something more constructive.

If you are contemplating divorce or separation and wish to know more, you can read about mediation in the government’s Family Mediation Leaflet. Citizens Advice provides helpful information about using mediation to help you separate.

You can also find out more about how collaborative divorce works and Resolution has a good leaflet about how the collaborative process can ease the pain of family breakdown.

Practical steps to help you move forward after divorce

While it is natural to feel some grief after the end of a relationship, there are ways to help yourself heal:

1. Acknowledge your feelings

Give yourself permission to feel sad and grieve.

You may try to suppress these emotions, especially ‘for the sake of the children’, or if you have moved on with a new partner, or wish to avoid upsetting friends or family, but suppressing them can prolong the healing process.

2. Seek support

• Talk to trusted friends and family members
• Consider professional counselling
• Join support groups for people going through divorce. If you have children, the charity Gingerbread offers single parents a chance to get together in person or online to meet new people and support each other.

3. Understand that moving on is a choice

Healing takes time, but at some point, you have to “want” to move forward. Holding onto grievances or dwelling on past hurts will only delay your recovery.

The point at which you are ready to move on differs for everyone so it will take longer for some people to reach it than others. But make that choice and you can then take your first steps into the next chapter of your life.

4. Establish new routines

The loss of shared routines can feel unsettling. Creating new habits and traditions will bring comfort and stability. Volunteering or trying out a new pastime could expand your social network too.

5. Focus on self-care

Prioritise activities that improve your mental and physical well-being, whether exercise, hobbies, socialising or mindfulness.

6. Set goals

It can feel daunting, but setting small, achievable goals can help you regain a sense of purpose.

Start with something simple, like redecorating a room, joining a new class, or planning a weekend away. Small steps can help you focus on the future rather than the past.

If you’re not ready for big changes, set yourself smaller, gentler goals, such as reading a good book, trying a new hobby, or meeting a friend for coffee. Each step will help you to rebuild confidence and establish new routines.

7. Be mindful of social media

If you do not have an amicable relationship, or feel resentful about your ex-partner, seeing their lives unfold on social media may be upsetting.

Constantly checking their updates could keep you emotionally tied to the past. Consider muting or unfollowing them to help your healing.

Helping children to cope when relationships end

If you share children, your emotions could be mixed up with feelings of guilt and worry about how they’ll cope. Children also grieve the loss of their family dynamic, even if they don’t always express it openly.

You can support them while still taking care of yourself:

• Be honest with them, in an age-appropriate way – reassure them that both of you still love them.
• Encourage them to talk – short, informal chats without pressure may be enough for them to process the changes.
• Model healthy ways of coping – show them that it’s okay to feel sad, but also that life continues.
• Keep routines consistent – stability helps children adjust to change, but if an old routine has to change, think about introducing a new activity for them to enjoy.
• Consider co-parenting counselling – this can help both of you communicate more effectively for your children’s benefit. Relate offers a range of different counselling services to help you make the most of your relationships past, present and future.

At K J Smith Solicitors, we understand that ending a relationship will always involve a certain degree of emotional upheaval.

Our experienced team understands the complex emotions that come with divorce and separation. We help many families through this transition period and have seen, firsthand, how feelings of sadness or grief gradually make way for renewal and the chance to build a fulfilling future.

Whether you are just beginning the process of ending your relationship or if you are already ‘out the other side’ and need legal advice about your future, we’re here to provide practical guidance and compassionate support.

Contact us today to schedule your free initial consultation. Our experienced team is always on hand with helpful advice to help you move forward with confidence.