What is ‘bird nesting’ and is it the right arrangement for my family?

What is bird nesting?

The term ‘bird nesting’ is inspired by birds in nature, where the offspring remain in the nest while each parent takes turns caring for them. Similarly, in a ‘bird nesting arrangement’, the children stay in the family home while the legal guardians rotate in and out, according to an agreed schedule.

Bird nesting is still an unconventional family arrangement. Little is known about its prevalence in the UK today but, across the world, family law solicitors have seen an emerging upward trend in its use for co-parenting.

Traditional family arrangements vs bird nesting

In traditional family arrangements, children typically move between the homes of each parent, which can be disruptive and stressful. It often requires parents to find two homes nearby to allow children to attend school. Some parents also find themselves commuting lengthy distances to ensure contact or maintain existing family routines. Traditional arrangements also involve all the inconveniences that come with moving children and their belongings to different homes, perhaps several times a month.

In contrast, bird nesting keeps the children in the family home while the parents rotate in and out. This approach aims to provide children with a stable, consistent environment and minimises upheaval during a turbulent time. If the arrangement is successful and suits all parties, it can be sustained for many years, even until the offspring ‘fledge’ and leave home. For others, the bird nest is simply a temporary arrangement to create a short-term period of stability.

Taken at face value, bird nesting looks like a great way of keeping the home intact for children, but what are the key benefits and potential challenges? And what practicalities should be considered before entering into a bird nesting arrangement?

Feathering the nest:

Accommodation

The family home is at the centre of a bird nesting arrangement. Both parents need to be highly organised and accept that they take it in turns to live with the children on an agreed schedule. There must also be suitable, affordable, alternative living arrangements for each parent for the periods they are not in the family home.

Depending on affordability, some couples rent rooms or houses, which they also share and rotate in and out of, just like the main home. Others maintain two additional separate dwellings, whereas some may choose to stay with friends, family or a new partner.

Nurturing the children

For a child, finding out that your parents are going to separate is upsetting and very unsettling. Hearing that they don’t have to move can come as a great relief. After all, the ‘nest’, their family home, is often their comfort zone, their safe space, and a place to which they may have a strong attachment. But nesting isn’t just about staying in familiar environments, it advantageously allows a child’s existing routine to be maintained, and this in itself can be hugely beneficial.

In some cases, children view new living arrangements positively. They can be excited about the prospect of having a new home to visit with one or both of their parents – without actually having to leave the home they love. Whatever the scenario, communication is key. It’s important to be open and honest with children from the outset.

If you’re embarking on a nesting arrangement, explain to your children:

● why you are choosing bird nesting

● that you and your former spouse or partner will rotate in and out of the house

● how long the arrangement is likely to last

● that for the time being the family home remains shared

●that the arrangement does not mean that you’re getting back together with your ex (to avoid any confusion or misunderstanding)

Finances and affordability

Your finances are key to understanding how and whether bird nesting can work for you. And it’s vital that the arrangement is affordable for both parents. It's also important for parents to have clear agreements on how housing costs including household bills will be shared.

Maintaining multiple living spaces can be financially demanding. Before committing, you should also:

● consider all the foreseeable living expenses

● make a realistic budget to check that it is affordable

● consider any lifestyle choices that you may have to make to ensure things are economically sustainable

For some, bird nesting is a cost-effective arrangement. It can sometimes save considerable sums of money, especially if the costs of funding second or third homes can be avoided.

Communication and cooperation

There is no doubt that bird nesting encourages parents to work together in the best interests of their children. And this spirit of cooperation can have a positive effect on the whole family. Successful nesting requires great communication from both parents.

You’ll need to agree on your household rules, schedules and financial responsibilities. And (depending on the ages of the children) you could also be seeing each other regularly at handovers. Setting boundaries is very important. You’ll need to discuss and agree how you’ll respect one another’s space and privacy, both in the home and as you go about living your separate lives. With all this in mind it can be incredibly useful to discuss arrangements with a family lawyer and put these decisions in writing, so that both parties are clear on what has been agreed.

Without good relations, the arrangement is likely to fail, and something which begins with the intent of protecting the children could end up having the opposite effect. Furthermore, if you’re leaving an abusive relationship, bird nesting would NOT be a suitable arrangement. In this scenario it’s especially important to take the advice of a family law solicitor.

Parental wellbeing

A few things to consider, both pros and cons:

Pro: Bird nesting arrangements can take the urgency out of planning a new life after separation.

Pro: The additional time to mull over your future steps can help you to avoid costly knee-jerk decisions.

Con: Bird nesting can bring additional emotional challenges, including sometimes stalling a person’s ability to get over a breakup.

Con: This in turn can prevent one or both parents then carving out new lives for themselves.

Additionally, new logistical challenges can bring unwelcome stress and complexity to your life. You’ll need to develop new routines for chores, shopping and meal planning in two separate places. It’s important to be realistic about whether you’ll be able to cope with the potential complexity of this lifestyle.

Moving on with new partners

In any family arrangement, it’s not uncommon for parents to find new partners. Whilst this can feel upsetting and uncomfortable – both for you and for your children – it’s helpful for parents to talk openly about this and make an agreement about how a new partner will be introduced to the family. Talk about:

● when and how a new partner will be introduced

● whether you both consent to new partners and/or their children visiting the family home

● what the sleeping arrangements will be if they visit

● whether or not your nesting arrangement will continue if either of you choose to move in with a new partner

It’s crucial to handle this change sensitively. Ideally both of you should navigate the subject respectfully and thoughtfully, to understand each other’s point of view and wishes. This helps to ensure that the children’s well-being remains top priority, even when emotions are running high.

Top tips for successful bird nesting

Going into a nesting arrangement is a big decision. It requires not only a practical look into financial aspects, but a long-term look at the challenges that may lie ahead. Consider using a family law solicitor or a professional mediation service to help you plan your child arrangements together.

You’ll need to consider and agree upon:

● whether the existing ownership of the family home will change or stay the same

● your timeline for selling the family home and how long the arrangement could last

● how the eventual sale could affect each of you financially

● what each of you contribute for maintenance and general upkeep

● furnishings, and also emergency repairs or major improvements

● how out-of-nest residence(s) will be paid for

● any effects on child or spousal maintenance

● rules about home access and private spaces when the other parent is on duty

● changes to wills or life insurance policies to ensure the care of the children in the scenario that the other parent dies or becomes unable to work

● any arrangements for children with a disability, and what the impact could be if or when they become independent

Extra support

Single parenting is always challenging and it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution. Parents sometimes need to be creative to make life work and you may want some extra help for things to run smoothly.

Consider whether you’ll need help with:

● house cleaning or gardening

● childcare such as a nanny or babysitter

● before- or after-school care

● dog-walking

● grocery deliveries or meal kit services

Making a co-parenting plan

In any family arrangement, a parenting plan can be a useful tool to avoid conflict and misunderstandings. Sometimes emotions and the simple routine of everyday life can get in the way of good communication and affect your ability to come to an agreement on simple things. A well-thought-through parenting plan can set out what you both want for your children and how important matters (and even some of the more trivial things) will be delivered.

The Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service ‘CAFCASS’ offers workshops to help separating parents, along with a useful online parenting planning tool. You can also search online for parenting plan templates that can be adapted to encompass all the necessary arrangements for a successful bird nesting or traditional co-parenting arrangement. A parenting plan is not in itself legally binding. However, you do have the option of formalising the agreement through a Consent Order, should you so wish.

K J Smith Solicitors understand the need for family stability. We are experienced at helping separated families as they look at life beyond divorce and separation. We take the time to understand you and offer a family mediation service that can help you to plan and agree a way ahead. We help you to consider your options, alongside any long-term implications. Arrange a FREE family law consultation with us to discover how we can help you plan for your future.